The last few weeks have been so hectic and stressful I haven't had time or energy to write anything. 

The therapy sessions have been going well.  I'm getting a new perspective on things, learning to step back and take a new look at the things that scare me so much.  I'm learning how to face my fears and learn that the anxiety reaction will pass.

Then my mum decided to set fire to her leg.  Whether accidentally or on purpose we're still not sure.  But she spent 2 weeks in a special burns unit having a skin graft.  Now she's back home and all she will do is lay in bed pretending to sleep.  I don't know what to do to help her anymore.

All I know is, I have to move out.  The stress of this isn't good for me.  Proved by the fact that, for the first time in about 5 years, I had an epileptic fit.  At work.  That was yesterday, and today my whole body aches and I am covered in huge black bruises from where I probably hit my desk a few times.  I think I feel embarrassed more than anything.  But surprisingly some of the people at my office were really good and helped me, and 2 of them drove me home.  My manager phoned me in the afternoon and basically told me to take the rest of the week off to recover, so I will.  I have a lot of apologies and thanks to give on monday though.

So if anyone was wondering why I haven't written for so long, well there's it in a nutshell!

I was surprised at how tough the therapy session yesterday was.

It started ok.  The psychologist jumped right in to ask me to describe to her my thoughts about death, and how I feel when I get them. That was easy enough.  But then she just kept asking more questions.  She wanted me to describe my thoughts in more detail and it got quite uncomfortable for me.  It was like, she was making me think about it and talk, rather than just talk.

It progressed on to what do I think will happen when I die.  I rambled on for ages about all the different possibilities of what 'could' happen... heaven and hell, reincarnation, or, the worst (and possibly most likely) possibility, just becoming nothing.  It's that thought that drives me nuts when I think too deeply about it.  Imagining being nothing.

Then we talked about what I want to happen to my body when I die, and I said I do not want to be cremated.  Everyone in my family knows this.  I'm terrified of fire and when I was a kid I used to have a recurring nightmare where I was at the bottom of the stairs in my house, and someone or something was upstairs where the fire was, and I wanted to save them but I couldn't.  I don't want my body to be burnt.  It's not natural.  At least if I get buried, then all the nutrients and life energy tied up in my body can return to the earth I came from, and continue the cycle of life.  Being cremated, all I would become is pollution.  She asked if it's important for my body to remain intact and unburnt when I die, and will I still need it after death.  I wasn't sure, but probably not.

Then she asked me, what would be the advantages and disadvantages of dying, and of living forever.  And I realised that to live forever, you'd also have to not get any older.  And then she asked me how would it be to live forever and watch the people around me grow old and die.  So I realised that eternal life would only really work if I didn't get old, and neither did the people I love.  And suddenly I realised that living forever would actually be just as scary as being dead forever.

So all in all, it was a tough session, and very difficult to talk about.  But I think it helped.  We'll continue next week but so far, I'm pleased with how it's going.  It's like, the way she asks things makes me turn my thoughts in a slightly diferent direction that I wouldn't have done by myself.

V

Last week I was given a homework assignment by my therapist.  Since one of the things that affects me most on a daily basis is my preoccupation with, and fear of, death, she asked me to write down every time I think about it.  I'm supposed to write down the situation I was in when I thought it, how long the thoughts lasted and what, exactly, I was thinking, and then rate my feelings of anxiety on  a scale from 1-100%.

of course, ironically, these thoughts that have plagued me for months, have decided to disappear now.

So now I'm wondering.  Do I lie, and write down some stuff based on thoughts I've had before?  So not exactly lying, but pretending that they happened this week.  Or should I just tell her that actually I didn't have any of those thoughts.

It's a tough one.  Thing is, now I finally have this therapy, I really want to sort these issues out.  And I know if I go tomorrow with nothing to tell her, she can't help me.

It sounds silly but I do get these random thoughts of death.  It's like, I suddenly realise that I am going to die, it's inevitable, and I have no say over it.  One day I will fall asleep, and never wake up.  I imagine being dead, and it's like, how can you imagine being asleep forever?  And then I think, well it will be like it was before I was born.  Millions of years went by without me and I knew nothing about it.  But I don't want to go back to not existing.  How can anyone know that they are going to die, one day, and not be scared about it?  Every time I get these thoughts, I get panicky.  I get a numb tingling over my body, my heart pounds and I slip into a state of unreality, like I'm dreaming.  It's like my body's responding to my thoughts and going "Death?  Not on my watch!" and launching into full fight-or-flight mode.

Ugh.  Even by my standards, this is a fairly depressing post so I'm going to sod off and finish watching the football.   And then do my homework.

V

Today I finally accomplished an epic mission to get my best friend PJ together with a girl he rather likes.

They'd had a bit of a thing a couple of weeks ago but nothing seemed to really progress except through the odd text.  So, after she didn't reply to a couple of his texts the following mission objectives ensued.

Objective 1:  Mess with Her Head
Gentlemen, this one is guaranteed to work on about 99% of females I reckon.  PJ's mission was to not send her any texts, or call her, for several days.  This is after a few days of him letting her know he was rather keen, and her reciprocating, to a point.  Day 1: No texts.    Day 2:  No texts.   Day 3: A text!  She can't stop thinking about him and hopes he is having a good weekend.

Objective complete.  And why?  Because ladies have incredible imaginations.  You just need to get into their head and then give them space to work.

Objective 2: Pass The Test
At some point, a lady will set a test for her prospective mate.  In this case, The Test was a text saying she had contacted another guy she liked, and didn't want to see PJ again.  Sounds like a dumping text, no?  Well, no.  Because she also said how much she likes PJ and is attracted to him but she feels like he deserves better.
OH REALLY?
PJ nearly caved at this point.  Lucky I was there to save him.  All he needed to do to pass The Test was send a text saying actually, he can decide who he deserves, and he likes her a lot, and just wants to make her happy.  DINGDING!  Text from her saying she is confused and doesn't want to lose him.

Objective complete.  Lady sets Test, Man passes Test.

Objective 3: The Kill
It's crunch time.  She is on the thin line wavering between PJ, or dumpage.  This is a very delicate time, and won't last long.  It's time to get round there in an all guns blazing, "say hello to my little friend" moment.  (my actual advice was "get your ass round there with some flowers and don't leave til you've seen her.  Gogogo!"
So he went, and she was out, and so he sat outside in the cold wind with a bunch of roses like Hugh Grant in a silly romantic 'comedy'.  And when she came home, she fell into his arms like the silly girl in a silly romantic 'comedy' (kind of).  And she said she would not see the other guy any more, and she likes PJ more than she thought she did, and she wants to see him more.

Objective, and Mission, Complete.  All together now: Aaaaahh....

I'm a genius.  Or an agony aunt.  Or both.  Either way, it feels rather nice

Am I just incredibly immature, or is anyone else watching the game and giggling a little bit whenever the commentator says "Zhirkov" ? 

Hmm. I haven't even felt much like writing. I still don't now actually. it's like I have too many thoughts swimming around in the fish pond of my brain that I don't know which ones to write. 

In fact apart from a conversation about pink ninjas (so coloured so that they can blend against the wall of the pink house we walked past yesterday) I had with my boyfriend, it's all been a bit... bleh.

Gradually things at work got better over the week though.  Started with the Fool not really speaking to me, until by Friday, Manager took us both out for lunch, which was nice. 

My anxiety has been fairly stable too.  I hadn't really had any panicky moments at all, or even those niggly thoughts that keep the anxiety there simmering under the surface.  On the few occasions it did try to pop up, I sent it away again by breathing correctly and not thinking too much about it.  I have suddenly come to the realisation that at times when my chest starts to feel tight, or I'm getting that feeling of random fear, I do breathe far too quickly and too shallow.  So relaxing and taking deep breaths from my stomach, rather than my chest, is helping a lot.  And, I have my first psychology appointment on thursday.  So that should be interesting.

But then on wednesday my mum dropped the bombshell on me that she's feeling depressed again.

She has severe, chronic depression.  I remember the first time I found her, after her most serious suicide attempt.  We'd had an argument a couple of weeks earlier and I'd moved out to live with my boyfriend.  We patched things up but I didn't move back.  But I was still at college, and had exams coming up, and needed to study, so I'd asked if I could study at her place on a sunday afternoon.  She agreed.  But when I got there she didn't answer the door, and I didn't have any keys.  I remember eventually phoning her friend, and I don't remember why I did that, but she came round with her husband.  Then we phoned my grandparents friends, thinking they might have keys.  They didn't, but they came round to help.  In the end,
the two men went round to the back door and smashed a window to get in, then let us in the front.  I remember standing at the bottom of the stairs while they went up.  They wouldn't let me go up.  Then I heard them shout down to call an ambulance.  Obviously I ran up the stairs.  The two women tried to hold me back but they just held my coat so I shrugged out of it and kept going. 

I remember how my mum looked.  I thought she was dead.  Her eyes were half open, and there was dried white foam around her mouth.  I think at first, I thought she'd just been drinking, and had a fit (she's epileptic), because there was an empty cider bottle near the bed.  Then someone found the note.  I don't remember it very clearly.  Everything after that is a bit of a blur.  I remember someone taking me into the bathroom and sitting me on the edge of the bath while the paramedics came and dealt with my mum.  He wouldn't let me see the note but I made him tell me what it said.  She'd written to my brother saying not to think badly of his dad, that he still loved him.  And to me saying not to blame myself.  Obviously, I blamed myself.  I've never stopped.

Since then there have been too many suicide attempts to count.  I've not always been the one to find her, but a lot of times I have.  She was sectioned for a year in a mental health unit at the local hospital. 

Recently her depression's been better and they've sorted her medication.  And she's been so ill with her lung problems that I think she's been concentrating on getting better.  And now that's got a bit better, her depression's back.

Why I'm writing all this stuff, I don't know.

But I do know I had one of my first panic attacks around the time of her first suicide attempt.  At the time I blamed it on just starting the Pill, but maybe it wasn't.  I remember that I was laying in bed and thought I had a pain in my leg.  That led to me thinking I had a blood clot, and when the pain went, I inexplicably decided the clot was moving to my lungs.  Of course the chest pain I had then from the panic did not help matters.  I couldn't breathe, and my chest hurt, and I remember sitting up all night watching tv and thinking I should call an ambulance.  Then the next day I went to college, and I still had the chest pain, constantly.  I nearly passed out on the way to college, and when I got there my biology teacher saw how pale I looked and sent me home.  I went to the doctor who told me it was just a panic attack.  I just thought she wasn't taking me seriously.  The chest pains lasted a week until they eventually subsided.

Now there's also the business of my dad.  It's father's day today and I don't know what to do about it.  When I was 13 I decided to live with my mum, despite her alcohol problems she had at the time, instead of him, because of the emotional torment I suffered from his new wife.  He didn't speak to me again until I was 19.  No birthday card, christmas card, phonecall, nothing.  That was the original start of my emotional problems, maybe, because that was the time I started self-harming.  First the cuts on my hand, until my chemistry teacher noticed them.  Then I did them on my arm so I could hide them.  I remember having a lot of fights with my mum about it.  But I had a lot of supportive teachers at school that helped a lot.  I saw doctors and social workers and a child psychologist and in the end, just got better at hiding it. 

The thing is, I was always such a daddy's girl when I was a kid.  I remember when he used to go to work in the mornings, I would run to the front door as he closed it, and put his fingers back through the letter box, and I would hold them and not let him go.  I remember him being the one giving me pocket money and buying me presents.  My mum was just always there, of course, so I suppose I took her for granted.  But it did hit me hard when my dad just cut himself off from my life.  He wouldn't even answer the phone when I called his house, or his wife would answer and tell me to leave him alone.  He now blames her for his behaviour back then but I think that's a cop out.  He's now married to a much nicer lady who I get on with.  But the damage has been done and I find it hard to find love in me for him.  So I've never bothered with father's day.  I'll give him birthday and christmas cards, yes, but why celebrate father's day for someone who decided not to be my father for those years?  But then, how long before I can put it behind me and move on?  Can I be a hypocrite?  And not only that, but thinking about calling him was, I believe, one of the triggers for my last panic attack.

And then back to this week, and back to my mum...  She told me on the phone on thursday, when I was at work, that she was depressed again, and her cpn wanted to talk to me about some things.  I instantly went on the defensive and asked what things.  She said that it was because I haven't given her any rent money this month.  For a start, this was something we agreed on, because I had something else I needed to pay off this month.  And then I asked her, even if I gave her a million pounds, would it stop her being depressed?  Of course not.

But still when I got home the cpn lady was there.  And I freaked out, turned around and walked back out.  I went to the park and watched the ducks for a while, and then I went to my grandparents and talked to my grandad about his hernia operation.  By the time I got home, the cpn lady was gone.

I know I was probably wrong to do that but I'm not strong enough to handle these things at the moment.  I can't handle being told that if my mum wants to kill herself it's my fault.  Not that anyone says that directly but that is the implication I take from everything they say.

I think I've sorted things a bit with my mum now.  I've said I'll pay my share of the council tax this month and work something out for next month.  I stayed with Boyfriend this weekend and called mum last night and she said she felt ok but the crisis team took all her pills away. 

So I'm stuck here with all these thoughts and a loooong blog post which doesn't really even begin to cover it.  Good luck to my psychologist on thursday.  She's gonna need it.

V

It gets my goat when I go with my boyfriend to our local corner shop, and there's a group of silly 14-year-olds hanging around outside, thinking they look hard in their hooded tops and tracksuits that their mum washes and irons for them, that ask him to buy them cigarrettes and/or alcohol.

To those annoying little brats:  You're pathetic.  Get a life.  Then when you're old enough you can ruin it with fags and booze.

V

It really, really gets my goat when people get on a train and pick up a free newspaper that's on the seat next to them.  They start to read through it, and then the train gets to their stop.  But instead of putting the paper down for the next person to peruse, they put it in their bag and take it home! 

Those free papers are supposed to be for bored commuters.  If you really want to read a paper at home, stop being such a tight git and pay 30p for one at a newsagents.

V

Well the IF saga came to a bit of a head yesterday, and ended with IF sulking and refusing to talk to me.

The day before, I'd come across some invoices I couldn't pass for payment, because they just didn't match the order.  But as it was coming near to the end of the day, I made a list of them, and decided I would wait til the next day before I handed them over to my manager.

But the next morning, manager and I had to go to another office for a meeting.  In the car on the way there, I happened to mention that I'd made a note of some invoices I couldn't pass, but I wasn't entirely confident that they would still be there when we got back (ie, IF would have passed them against incorrect order lines).  Manager then asked me to check when we got back, and let him know if they were still there or not.

So when we got back, that's what I did.  And lo and behold, all but 5 of the invoices I hadn't been able to pass, had gone.  I decided to investigate, and found that they had indeed been passed against completely the wrong order lines, messing up the order.  So I went with Manager into a meeting room, and told him.  He seemed exasperated.  He just can't understand how IF can continue to cock up no matter how many times he's told not to. 

He called IF into the meeting room, and started with the words "I don't want to place any blame..."   Which, if I heard that, I would have interpreted as "I blame you Pikachu."  And, with me still in the room, he told IF about the mistakes I'd found.  He put it in a good way to be honest, and made it sound like I had just wanted to see how he passed the invoices considering I'd listed them as queries.  But I'm pretty sure IF took it that I had grassed him up, and had been checking up on him.  Which I suppose I had, but he shouldn't have kept cocking up then should he. 

Anyway I then got the silent treatment for the rest of the afternoon.  And when I got excited over my delivery of blue post-it notes (if you've ever worked for a long period of time in an office, you'll know how easy it is to get excited over something as seemingly mundane as the standard yellow post-it notes being replaced by blue ones), I heard him spitefully mutter "Pathetic."   Well he's the one twice my age who is sulking like a little girl because for once in his life he hasn't managed to con someone into thinking the sun shines from his backside, so who is really pathetic?  Manager said he would have a word with him, but I don't really care to be honest, and I certainly won't lose any sleep over it.  I've got the day off work today, and I intend to enjoy it :^)

V

If there's one thing that annoys me more than anything else in the universe, it's Incompetant Fools (hereafter referred to as IFs).

There is one particular IF working in my department.  Both me and my manager have noticed mistakes he's made over the last couple of months, and finally this morning Manager decided to have a word with him.  But still, an hour later, I noticed he'd made a mistake AGAIN!

It's not that it's easy to make a mistake in what we do.  Basically we match purchase invoices to the orders, select the order lines that the invoices relate to, and pass them for payment.  What we are not supposed to do is pass invoices that do not match the order at all.  In that case, we are supposed to go back to the people who raised the order and ask them to change it.  Obvious, one would think.

But IF is seeming to insist on passing invoices that do not match the order.  At all.  He'll just pick a completely random item on the order, and pass it that way.  And his reasoning?  "oh well it gets it off my list".

The annoying thing about it is that what's been happening is, an invoice will come in that I will see I can't match to the order, then we'll see that the reason we can't match it is because IF has used the order line for it already.  And then we have to explain to people in the buying department, and it just makes our whole department look bad.

It's now at the point where I'm going through the invoices and if I find one with a query, not only will I pass it to Manager, I also have to tell IF to leave it alone, because I can't trust him to notice the problem himself.  Because we've even had times where Manager has phoned the buyers, asked them to change the order, they've agreed to do it, but before they get a chance, IF has passed the invoice incorrectly.

Infuriatingly, he is supposedly my 'senior', so he gets paid more than me, even though I blatantly do a better job than him. 

And bizarrely, he actually thinks he's amazing.  He keeps going on about how quick he is at passing the invoices.  Yesterday he even had the cheek to say to me "I bet you're glad I'm passing so quickly so we clear the log, and you can get on with your own work."  I very nearly replied "Well it would help more if you did it right!"

I do all the passing of invoices for one of the subsidiary companies too, but that's on a different system and I'm the only one that knows how to do it.  It came up in a meeting last month that I should show IF how to do it so he can do it if I'm off sick or something.  But several wild boar are going to have to paraglide past my window wearing garlands of 4-leaf clovers and carrying fairies on their backs before I'll do that.  I'm not having him mess up all my work.

Grrrrr...

V

I have to admit, I'm somewhat addicted to Springwatch.

If you've never seen it (it's on every night on BBC 2), it's basically Bill Oddie getting excited over mating birds, and some guy in Scotland dressed like a yeti stalking wildcats.

But it's so good!  They have cameras in several nestboxes of different birds so you can see when the birds lay their eggs, the eggs hatch, and the fledgelings grow and leave the nest.  (Bill Oddie is also a living legend. )

It was funny watching it tonight actually because I was chatting online to Other Half at the same time.  He wasn't as impressed by it as I was.  When a pine marten was filmed snatching an egg from a nest box, and the bloke was getting rather excited about it because pine marten footage is pretty rare, Other Half typed "lol that was not amazing".  I said "you're not easily impressed, are you" to which he replied "well first he said they run and chase birds and cool stuff then he raids a nest and gets an egg".  I suppose when he puts it like that, I can see his point...   But I did not agree with him about the baby woodlice.  I said I thought they were cool, but his response was "u think lol I thought they was ugly."  *sigh*

Anyway, I just find it fascinating because the Pagan in me adores nature, and also because it's amazing to me to think that all of this is going on all around us.  Even where I live in London, I'm pretty sure there's a pair of blackbirds nesting somewhere, but I suppose I never really gave it so much thought.  They are busy full-time parents raising their little families all around us - and doing a much better job than some people.  This morning, Ziggy (my little black cat) brought in a toad.  Where he got it from, I have no idea.  And as well as the usual rats, mice and occasional pigeon, Smokey (my crazy half-siamese, half-panther) once brought in a bat.  It just shows the variety of life that lives alongside me, and I don't even notice it (until it's dragged half-dead and bedraggled through the cat flap).

I suppose it's made me realise that Nature is bigger than me.  Nature fights against people and continues its circle of life (cue Lion King song).  I used to spend a lot more time out in the woods near where I live, even walking in the park, places that are quiet and full of green and life, listening to the bird song and the insects and the wind in the trees.  I used to be a happier person then, I think, and I was a lot more inspired to write my novels than I am now, sat in front of a pc all the time.  My head was so full of ideas that I didn't have any space for worry.

So today's message to myself is, get out more!!

V

Really, it's been one of the best weekends I've had for ages.

I got paid on Friday so decided to go shopping on saturday.  Now the thing is, I do tend to get really lazy, and do my payday blitz on Teh Interwebz and get all manner of clothes, books, cds and games delivered to my house.  But this month I decided to go out with The Other Half.  It helped that he's fixed his sleeping pattern so we were both awake at a respectable hour of the day, rather than me waking up at 7am and waiting 4 hours for him to surface (plus an extra hour for him to drink his morning cuppa and actually drag himself out of bed).

So we found ourselves strolling into town at 11am, which was even better because it wasn't too crowded.  I get very very annoyed by crowds of people and usually end up with genocidal intentions towards the entire population of the shopping centre.  But I was in a good mood, and so was he, and we had a laugh and a mess around.

I ended up spending far too much money though, of course    I bought 3 new summer outfits plus some underwear, 2 cds (HIM's Uneasy Listening collection, and Lost Prophet's Liberation Transmission album), and 2 new games.  Buying Oblivion for the Xbox360 was a bit of an epic task.  The Other Half insisted it would be better if we got the 'game of the year' edition which included the expansion pack and would be cheaper than buying the original seperately.  Well we went in 4 different shops, and none of them had it.  GAME had the cases on display but did not have the game itself, which was annoying, especially as we had to wait for the shop assistant to finish chatting with his mate for 10 minutes before he would serve us   Then we decided to get the original game and the expansion seperately, but every shop had either one or the other, but not both.  So we had to buy the expansion in HMV and the original in GAME.  Well it was worth it :^)

I also got Age of Conan which I have to say does seem rather good.  It's very graphics intensive and I may have to invest in a new graphics card to get the most out of it.  I don't think I've played such a gorey game before, the blood effects are quite realistic and at times my character decides to decapitate her opponent, which is fun.  Although, how I'm going to fit in another MMORPG in with my work and WoW raiding schedule, I don't know.

All in all, despite the annoying heat, it's been a fabulous weekend for me, hope it was for you too :^)

V

3 Legged Robot

Used by my boyfriend in gmail chat today, in the phrase "omg I just seen a vid on how to make a 3 legs robot looked realy cool"

V

Yesterday on the train home from work, I decided to have a word with myself.

It has occurred to me many times that it's amazing the power the mind can have on the body.  In the case of anxiety, the perceived threat generated in the mind causes all sorts of genuine physical reactions.  The body prepares itself for danger in the same way it would if your eyes registered a car speeding towards you.  But the only prompt for danger is my own thoughts.

So I decided, if my mind can have such a strong effect in a bad way, then it must be able to have a strong good effect too.  And it's not like I've completely lost my marbles, my mind is still under my control.  If I keep up with the positive thoughts then my body will react in a positive way, right?  It's logical.

My mum borrowed a self-help book for me, specifically aimed at people with anxiety, panic disorder and phobias.  I've had a look through it and it seems to have some pretty good ideas about self-hypnosis and deep breathing exercises.  My doctor suggested 6 months ago that I should get such a book while waiting for my psychology sessions to start but I never got round to it.  But now I've got one I have no excuse so I will give it a go.

I'm also planning to take up some kind of class when I save a bit of money.  Maybe some kind of martial arts.  I think the exercise will do me good, not cus I particularly need it physically, but to burn off the excess energy, unwind and maybe even help me sleep better.  And of course there's the social aspect of it.  If I can save up enough before September I'm also thinking of starting an Open University course.  I'm not sure yet if it will be an accountancy course to help further my current career, or if I will do a science-related course, purely for the learning experience and because I loved science subjects at school and college.  They were the only ones that made sense!  That will keep my brain active, I hope, stop me from thinking about myself, and give me goals and achievements.

All in all, I think I'd like to try living a bit.  I'm sure I will still get anxious and panicky at times but hopefully the more positive energy I can get, the less frequent they will be.

V

I really, really should learn to be more dishonest.

I took a day off work the day after the panic attack.  I felt I needed to relax and sort my head out.  The last thing I wanted was to flip out while at work.

The next day my manager handed me the self-certification form.  I thought about it.  Should I tell the truth, or say I had a migraine.

I opted for truth.

"Recovering from a panic attack, severe anxiety and heart palpitations." is what I wrote.  Brave of me.  And stupid.

My manager read it and then gave me a look that I can only describe as disgust.

"So what do you have to do about it now?" he said.  "Have more tests?"  (his understanding was that, because the tests on my thyroid had come back normal, I should be ok now).

This, by the way, was in the office where about 8 other people were in earshot.

So, with those 8 people in earshot, I had to reply, "I'm just waiting for my therapy to start."  And then had to repeat it because he didn't hear me the first time.

And then there was this horrible atmosphere for the rest of the day, whereby he barely spoke to me or looked in my direction.  Any questions or asking of favours were directed by name to my colleague where they might otherwise have been general for either one of us to pick up.

I feel gutted.  I don't know if he was just pissed cus I had the day off, if he didn't believe me, or if he simply thinks I'm a nutjob.

Other than that, though, things have been ok.  I've had a couple of panicky moments in the evening the last 2 days but I've controlled them.  But through the whole of the days I've been 'normal'.  I haven't even had the bad thoughts.  Very few palpitations, and those have only been after I've thought about it and realised I didn't have any yet.  I even managed a hysterical laughing fit without feeling I was gonna lose control and have a heart attack or respiratory arrest.  It was nice.

I suppose I'll find out on Tuesday if my manager still thinks I'm a freak.  Oddly though my boss was a bit more 'ok' about it.  Well, he came up to me and asked if I'm ok now.  His frown was at least more one of concern than disgust.  I did have quite a long chat with him once, and he seemed surprisingly understanding of how some people can let things get to them more than others.  His main issue was that I should be upfront about it, which is why I decided to tell the truth on my certification form.  I'm just a bit upset and confused about my manager's reaction. 

Ho hum.  Onwards and upwards.

V

Well I knew it was coming.  I've been fighting it for several days.

But all it took was one relatively small heart palpitation that felt slightly different from my usual ones.

I bravely fought the feelings of numb panic that swept through my bloodstream for about 30 minutes.  I posted on the nomorepanic forums about my new ectopic sensation.  Then I thought I would ask my boyfriend to come round, he always makes me feel better, so I got up to go downstairs and ask my mum if it was ok.

Then BAM.  It struck.  Completely unreasonable, unprovoked terror.  I wept uncontrollably, shaking, my head feeling like it would explode.

My mum looked up from the last Chelsea penalty to see her sobbing wreck of a daughter.  "I don't feel well" I declared before collapsing in a quivering wreck on the settee, curled up like a foetus.

I don't remember my mum coming over to me but suddenly I was in her arms, my head cradled in her bosom, as she tried to coax out of me what was wrong.

"I'm going crazy," I hysterically informed her.

"No, you're not," she told me.  "What exactly are you feeling?"

So I focussed.  I told her about the ectopic beat, but that I wasn't having palpitations at the moment.  She checked my pulse, a little fast, but not exactly racing.

I realised my chest didn't hurt and, when I stopped sobbing, I could actually breathe ok and my chest wasn't particularly tight.  Some comfort and strength I drew from that.

As I began to list off what I did feel, I recognised all the symptoms of anxiety I'd read on websites.

Dry mouth.  Shaking uncontrollably.  unable to focus my vision.  A general sense of loss of control.  Feeling a desperate need to run.  Wanting to self-harm to regain control.

I recognised that my chest sensations were not as bad as that time I went to hospital.  And that time, there'd been nothing wrong, so why would there be now?

"It's not in my heart," I told her.  "It's in my head.  I'm going crazy."

She told me about the panic attacks she used to have.  And how she met a lot of people in hospital going through the same thing as her.  Then we watched Man Utd lift the cup and she told me about the Busby Babes.

Gradually I regained my composure.  Then I came back upstairs to ask the boyfriend to come over, and to write this blog.  I'm still shaking so please forgive any typing errors.  I've had a couple more ecoptic heartbeats but a quick press of the fingers to the jugular, feeling that reassuring regular pulse as the heart resets to its normal rhythm, helps keep the panic at bay.  For now.

V

Random Word of the Day 3

Today at work I was slightly shocked to be approached in the kitchen by a colleague proposing I join his Teabag Threesome.

How could I refuse...

V

A pill to make this all go away.

To not be feeling scared all the time, when I don't even know what I'm scared of.

To not have to see that look on my boyfriend's face when he was scared too that I was ill.

To not see my mum's face when she thinks the way I feel is her fault.

To feel normal.

To not see death in everything I do or everywhere I go.

To have a physical problem so when I explain to people what I'm feeling they won't frown as if to say "that's silly, just stop thinking like that".

My dad to love me.

To look in the mirror and see myself.

To not be a feckin fruitloop.

V

Today's random word, uttered by a work colleague, is  Apple.

In the context "I remember that word I was thinking of yesterday.  Apple!"

So I'm walking home from the station on my way from work, listening to my mp3 player and off in my own little world of random strings of thought, when a piece of carpet falls from the sky and strikes me on the leg.  A fairly large, folded offcut of beigey-browny carpet.  I look around and there's no one I can see that could have chucked it at me.  Although why someone would be walking around throwing carpets at people, I don't know.

A more random experience, I have yet to.. er... experience.

Vanilla ice cream + Crushed up penguin bars = Mmmmmm....

That is all.

That basically describes my mood today.

I've been worrying over my health one minute (sinuses are blocked), then high as a kite the next minute, joking around with my manager at work and having a good ol' giggle.  Then walking home from work, I got irritable, and so down.  I couldn't make myself walk more than half my usual walking speed. Then I sort of lost any ability to have feeling.  I didn't feel happy, or sad, or irritable, or anything.  I just want to lock myself in my room.  I'm supposed to see boyfriend tonight but I just feel so... ugh... I have no motivation and I know I'll just either mope about, or end up exploding and arguing with him.

I wonder if this is a sort of 'come-down' from the adrenaline high I've been on the last few weeks.  All that anxiety sending adrenaline shooting through my blood and keeping me tense and on edge.  Now I'm more relaxed, I'm not even getting the heart flutters at the moment... maybe my body and mind has become so used to the adrenaline that it is like coming down off a drug now.

Bleh what am I waffling on about. 

In other news, "Steeplejack" was today's random word.

V

I've been so tired today.  I thought I was gonna fall asleep at work.  It's weird because last night I got quite a long sleep, but I did dream a lot (which seemed quite vivid at the time but I can't remember at all now).  In fact the night before I had a strange dream too but I do remember that one... I and all the people from my office were in the army and were in my neighbours back garden, shooting at someone in my house.  I don't particularly remember why, or that any one of us got hurt but there was a general sense of danger and being on edge.

And I got home from work, got upstairs and changed, and all of a sudden this incredible achiness has overcome my body, especially my legs and I have twinges of pain in my back, near my left shoulder.

I actually think all this might be a positive thing though.  I think the last couple of days, I've been feeling good.  Heart palpitations and strange adrenaline rushes have been very minimal.  My mind is more focussed on my job, and my future, and general random thoughts rather than listening to my heartbeats and forcing each breath in the fear that if I didn't, I wouldn't breathe at all.  And the dreams too... all my life I've had very vivid dreams, and quite a lot of them are full of metaphor and symbolism... but just lately, I've not dreamt at all.  I think now my mind's more relaxed when I sleep, it's allowing the dreams to take shape again.

So I think my body has responded by winding down and relaxing.  I'm tired because my body's exhausted from all that worrying and tension and adrenaline surging through it the last few weeks.  And finally I'm allowing it to rest and recover. 

I still have odd moments of irrational fear, but I'm telling myself that I'm ok, that my body will react to my mind and if my mind is ok and the adrenaline levels stay low, I'll be fine.

I found this website http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/ .     It's so good.  It has a symptoms page which explains each and every anxiety symptom in detail, and the physical, scientific reason for them.  I have a logical, scientific mind so this has helped me so much with understanding why I feel a certain way, and telling myself that at the time stops the spiral of panic.

In other news, I have discovered that wearing my boyfriend's boxers and t-shirt is the best on hot evenings like this one.  And also, the secret to making the perfect cup of tea is to put the milk in before the water. 

V

Eventually on my birthday, the boyfriend did rouse himself from sleep long enough to cook me a Thai green curry.  But oh boy was it worth the wait.  Honestly I've never tasted a better one.  We got the recipe off the internet so I decided I would post it here so I always have it.   There's more stuff in my head that needs writing but it's late and I think I'll sleep.

Ingredients
For the curry paste
4 lemongrass stalks, tougher outer leaves discarded
6 medium-hot green chillies, seeded and chopped
3 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed
5cm/2in piece of galangal or ginger, peeled and chopped
2 shallots, peeled and finely chopped
4 tbsp chopped coriander
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp chopped lime zest
1 tbsp nam pla (Thai fish sauce)
½ tsp ground black peppercorns
For the curry
750g/1lb 10oz free-range chicken breasts or thighs, bones removed
3 tbsp groundnut oil
200g/7oz chestnut mushrooms, quartered
400ml/14fl oz tin coconut milk
400ml/14 fl oz homemade or ready-made chicken stock
8 lime leaves
1 tbsp nam pla (Thai fish sauce)
1 tbsp bottled green peppercorns, drained
leaves from a large bunch (about 20g/0.7oz) basil, shredded
15g/½oz fresh coriander (leaves and stalks,) roughly chopped

Method
1. For the curry paste, slice the lemongrass finely. Put it in a food processor with all the remaining curry paste ingredients and whiz to a thick paste, pushing the mixture down from time to time with a spatula. Transfer to a glass or china dish, cover tightly (otherwise it will taint everything in the fridge) and refrigerate.
2. For the curry, cut the chicken into finger-thick strips.
3. Warm the oil in a casserole and, when hot and sizzling, add the chicken strips and let them colour slightly on all sides. You will need to do this in batches to avoid crowding the pan.
4. Remove the cooked chicken pieces from the casserole with a slotted spoon. Add the quartered mushrooms to the casserole and fry until golden-brown, adding more oil if needed.
5. Pour in the coconut milk and stock, then add the lime leaves, four heaped tablespoons of the curry paste, the fish sauce, peppercorns and half of the chopped herbs. Bring to the boil, then turn the heat down and simmer for 10 minutes, stirring from time to time.
6. Return the chicken to the casserole with a further tablespoon of the paste and simmer for five to six minutes, or until the chicken is cooked through. Stir in the last of the herbs and serve.

And it was mine.

Next year I shall not be having a birthday.  Every year they get worse and worse and this year I've spent most of the day feeling really low.  I should have gone to work because having the day off turned out to be a pointless exercise.

Had a nice card and some cash from my grandparents and my mum.  Logged into to my emails expecting the usual amazon gift voucher from my dad, but it seems he didn't bother with that this year.  Last night he logged onto World of Warcraft when I was online, and suggested going to the British Museum on Sunday.  I said that would be nice - I love the British Museum, especially the Ancient Greek exhibition, they have a gorgeous statue of Apollo.  But this evening he deigned to phone me, and informed me he could not make it to the museum.  But if I wanted to travel the 2 hours down to his place on sunday he would have a barbecue.  I told him I'll think about it.  But I think I'm watching grass grow that day.

Had a phonecall from my brother which involved a sullen "happy birthday" and the information that he hadn't bought me a present yet.  I told him not to bother.  He didn't argue.

At lunch my mum decided to go to a restaurant with my grandparents after her chiropractor appointment.  When she told me, and said I couldn't go, I thought it was a joke.  It wasn't.  Off they went, for their nice cosy lunch, on my birthday, without me.  I cried a bit, but I don't know why it upset me so much.  When mother returned this evening she asked if I had a good day.  I replied I hadn't.  She asked why and I told her.  She launched into defence mode about how she 'didn't think' to ask me if I wanted to go out for lunch.  I replied that was sort of the point.  She genuinely can't understand why I'm upset.  And when I asked "if it was your birthday, and I went out for lunch with family without you, wouldn't you be upset?" she replied "Yes but you've done things to upset me before."   Well on her birthday I paid to take her and my grandparents out for a meal, I guess she forgot that part though.

I shouldn't be upset, it's such a silly thing.  But I can't help it.

The boyfriend made an effort at least.  2 presents he'd obviously put a lot of thought into, complete with a gift bag and card.  But something doesn't feel right.  There's some distance between us today.  I think I'm just upset and he doesn't know how to handle it so he stays quiet.  We went to Tesco early this afternoon and I spent £20 on ingredients for a meal he wants to cook me.  We got home and he promptly fell asleep.  It's nearly 9pm and he's still asleep and I'm debating whether to make myself some beans on toast. 

Heart palpitations have been few and far between today but have been heavy when they did happen.  Had a lot when I was out walking, when it was very hot.  Mind you I never do well in the heat.

Ah well.  Next year I shall delete 9th May from my calendar, my birthday shall not occur, and thus will be better than this year and the last few years.  Something to look forward to.

Emo V