3 Legged Robot

Used by my boyfriend in gmail chat today, in the phrase "omg I just seen a vid on how to make a 3 legs robot looked realy cool"

V

Yesterday on the train home from work, I decided to have a word with myself.

It has occurred to me many times that it's amazing the power the mind can have on the body.  In the case of anxiety, the perceived threat generated in the mind causes all sorts of genuine physical reactions.  The body prepares itself for danger in the same way it would if your eyes registered a car speeding towards you.  But the only prompt for danger is my own thoughts.

So I decided, if my mind can have such a strong effect in a bad way, then it must be able to have a strong good effect too.  And it's not like I've completely lost my marbles, my mind is still under my control.  If I keep up with the positive thoughts then my body will react in a positive way, right?  It's logical.

My mum borrowed a self-help book for me, specifically aimed at people with anxiety, panic disorder and phobias.  I've had a look through it and it seems to have some pretty good ideas about self-hypnosis and deep breathing exercises.  My doctor suggested 6 months ago that I should get such a book while waiting for my psychology sessions to start but I never got round to it.  But now I've got one I have no excuse so I will give it a go.

I'm also planning to take up some kind of class when I save a bit of money.  Maybe some kind of martial arts.  I think the exercise will do me good, not cus I particularly need it physically, but to burn off the excess energy, unwind and maybe even help me sleep better.  And of course there's the social aspect of it.  If I can save up enough before September I'm also thinking of starting an Open University course.  I'm not sure yet if it will be an accountancy course to help further my current career, or if I will do a science-related course, purely for the learning experience and because I loved science subjects at school and college.  They were the only ones that made sense!  That will keep my brain active, I hope, stop me from thinking about myself, and give me goals and achievements.

All in all, I think I'd like to try living a bit.  I'm sure I will still get anxious and panicky at times but hopefully the more positive energy I can get, the less frequent they will be.

V

I really, really should learn to be more dishonest.

I took a day off work the day after the panic attack.  I felt I needed to relax and sort my head out.  The last thing I wanted was to flip out while at work.

The next day my manager handed me the self-certification form.  I thought about it.  Should I tell the truth, or say I had a migraine.

I opted for truth.

"Recovering from a panic attack, severe anxiety and heart palpitations." is what I wrote.  Brave of me.  And stupid.

My manager read it and then gave me a look that I can only describe as disgust.

"So what do you have to do about it now?" he said.  "Have more tests?"  (his understanding was that, because the tests on my thyroid had come back normal, I should be ok now).

This, by the way, was in the office where about 8 other people were in earshot.

So, with those 8 people in earshot, I had to reply, "I'm just waiting for my therapy to start."  And then had to repeat it because he didn't hear me the first time.

And then there was this horrible atmosphere for the rest of the day, whereby he barely spoke to me or looked in my direction.  Any questions or asking of favours were directed by name to my colleague where they might otherwise have been general for either one of us to pick up.

I feel gutted.  I don't know if he was just pissed cus I had the day off, if he didn't believe me, or if he simply thinks I'm a nutjob.

Other than that, though, things have been ok.  I've had a couple of panicky moments in the evening the last 2 days but I've controlled them.  But through the whole of the days I've been 'normal'.  I haven't even had the bad thoughts.  Very few palpitations, and those have only been after I've thought about it and realised I didn't have any yet.  I even managed a hysterical laughing fit without feeling I was gonna lose control and have a heart attack or respiratory arrest.  It was nice.

I suppose I'll find out on Tuesday if my manager still thinks I'm a freak.  Oddly though my boss was a bit more 'ok' about it.  Well, he came up to me and asked if I'm ok now.  His frown was at least more one of concern than disgust.  I did have quite a long chat with him once, and he seemed surprisingly understanding of how some people can let things get to them more than others.  His main issue was that I should be upfront about it, which is why I decided to tell the truth on my certification form.  I'm just a bit upset and confused about my manager's reaction. 

Ho hum.  Onwards and upwards.

V

Well I knew it was coming.  I've been fighting it for several days.

But all it took was one relatively small heart palpitation that felt slightly different from my usual ones.

I bravely fought the feelings of numb panic that swept through my bloodstream for about 30 minutes.  I posted on the nomorepanic forums about my new ectopic sensation.  Then I thought I would ask my boyfriend to come round, he always makes me feel better, so I got up to go downstairs and ask my mum if it was ok.

Then BAM.  It struck.  Completely unreasonable, unprovoked terror.  I wept uncontrollably, shaking, my head feeling like it would explode.

My mum looked up from the last Chelsea penalty to see her sobbing wreck of a daughter.  "I don't feel well" I declared before collapsing in a quivering wreck on the settee, curled up like a foetus.

I don't remember my mum coming over to me but suddenly I was in her arms, my head cradled in her bosom, as she tried to coax out of me what was wrong.

"I'm going crazy," I hysterically informed her.

"No, you're not," she told me.  "What exactly are you feeling?"

So I focussed.  I told her about the ectopic beat, but that I wasn't having palpitations at the moment.  She checked my pulse, a little fast, but not exactly racing.

I realised my chest didn't hurt and, when I stopped sobbing, I could actually breathe ok and my chest wasn't particularly tight.  Some comfort and strength I drew from that.

As I began to list off what I did feel, I recognised all the symptoms of anxiety I'd read on websites.

Dry mouth.  Shaking uncontrollably.  unable to focus my vision.  A general sense of loss of control.  Feeling a desperate need to run.  Wanting to self-harm to regain control.

I recognised that my chest sensations were not as bad as that time I went to hospital.  And that time, there'd been nothing wrong, so why would there be now?

"It's not in my heart," I told her.  "It's in my head.  I'm going crazy."

She told me about the panic attacks she used to have.  And how she met a lot of people in hospital going through the same thing as her.  Then we watched Man Utd lift the cup and she told me about the Busby Babes.

Gradually I regained my composure.  Then I came back upstairs to ask the boyfriend to come over, and to write this blog.  I'm still shaking so please forgive any typing errors.  I've had a couple more ecoptic heartbeats but a quick press of the fingers to the jugular, feeling that reassuring regular pulse as the heart resets to its normal rhythm, helps keep the panic at bay.  For now.

V

Random Word of the Day 3

Today at work I was slightly shocked to be approached in the kitchen by a colleague proposing I join his Teabag Threesome.

How could I refuse...

V

A pill to make this all go away.

To not be feeling scared all the time, when I don't even know what I'm scared of.

To not have to see that look on my boyfriend's face when he was scared too that I was ill.

To not see my mum's face when she thinks the way I feel is her fault.

To feel normal.

To not see death in everything I do or everywhere I go.

To have a physical problem so when I explain to people what I'm feeling they won't frown as if to say "that's silly, just stop thinking like that".

My dad to love me.

To look in the mirror and see myself.

To not be a feckin fruitloop.

V

Today's random word, uttered by a work colleague, is  Apple.

In the context "I remember that word I was thinking of yesterday.  Apple!"

So I'm walking home from the station on my way from work, listening to my mp3 player and off in my own little world of random strings of thought, when a piece of carpet falls from the sky and strikes me on the leg.  A fairly large, folded offcut of beigey-browny carpet.  I look around and there's no one I can see that could have chucked it at me.  Although why someone would be walking around throwing carpets at people, I don't know.

A more random experience, I have yet to.. er... experience.

Vanilla ice cream + Crushed up penguin bars = Mmmmmm....

That is all.

That basically describes my mood today.

I've been worrying over my health one minute (sinuses are blocked), then high as a kite the next minute, joking around with my manager at work and having a good ol' giggle.  Then walking home from work, I got irritable, and so down.  I couldn't make myself walk more than half my usual walking speed. Then I sort of lost any ability to have feeling.  I didn't feel happy, or sad, or irritable, or anything.  I just want to lock myself in my room.  I'm supposed to see boyfriend tonight but I just feel so... ugh... I have no motivation and I know I'll just either mope about, or end up exploding and arguing with him.

I wonder if this is a sort of 'come-down' from the adrenaline high I've been on the last few weeks.  All that anxiety sending adrenaline shooting through my blood and keeping me tense and on edge.  Now I'm more relaxed, I'm not even getting the heart flutters at the moment... maybe my body and mind has become so used to the adrenaline that it is like coming down off a drug now.

Bleh what am I waffling on about. 

In other news, "Steeplejack" was today's random word.

V

I've been so tired today.  I thought I was gonna fall asleep at work.  It's weird because last night I got quite a long sleep, but I did dream a lot (which seemed quite vivid at the time but I can't remember at all now).  In fact the night before I had a strange dream too but I do remember that one... I and all the people from my office were in the army and were in my neighbours back garden, shooting at someone in my house.  I don't particularly remember why, or that any one of us got hurt but there was a general sense of danger and being on edge.

And I got home from work, got upstairs and changed, and all of a sudden this incredible achiness has overcome my body, especially my legs and I have twinges of pain in my back, near my left shoulder.

I actually think all this might be a positive thing though.  I think the last couple of days, I've been feeling good.  Heart palpitations and strange adrenaline rushes have been very minimal.  My mind is more focussed on my job, and my future, and general random thoughts rather than listening to my heartbeats and forcing each breath in the fear that if I didn't, I wouldn't breathe at all.  And the dreams too... all my life I've had very vivid dreams, and quite a lot of them are full of metaphor and symbolism... but just lately, I've not dreamt at all.  I think now my mind's more relaxed when I sleep, it's allowing the dreams to take shape again.

So I think my body has responded by winding down and relaxing.  I'm tired because my body's exhausted from all that worrying and tension and adrenaline surging through it the last few weeks.  And finally I'm allowing it to rest and recover. 

I still have odd moments of irrational fear, but I'm telling myself that I'm ok, that my body will react to my mind and if my mind is ok and the adrenaline levels stay low, I'll be fine.

I found this website http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/ .     It's so good.  It has a symptoms page which explains each and every anxiety symptom in detail, and the physical, scientific reason for them.  I have a logical, scientific mind so this has helped me so much with understanding why I feel a certain way, and telling myself that at the time stops the spiral of panic.

In other news, I have discovered that wearing my boyfriend's boxers and t-shirt is the best on hot evenings like this one.  And also, the secret to making the perfect cup of tea is to put the milk in before the water. 

V

Eventually on my birthday, the boyfriend did rouse himself from sleep long enough to cook me a Thai green curry.  But oh boy was it worth the wait.  Honestly I've never tasted a better one.  We got the recipe off the internet so I decided I would post it here so I always have it.   There's more stuff in my head that needs writing but it's late and I think I'll sleep.

Ingredients
For the curry paste
4 lemongrass stalks, tougher outer leaves discarded
6 medium-hot green chillies, seeded and chopped
3 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed
5cm/2in piece of galangal or ginger, peeled and chopped
2 shallots, peeled and finely chopped
4 tbsp chopped coriander
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp chopped lime zest
1 tbsp nam pla (Thai fish sauce)
½ tsp ground black peppercorns
For the curry
750g/1lb 10oz free-range chicken breasts or thighs, bones removed
3 tbsp groundnut oil
200g/7oz chestnut mushrooms, quartered
400ml/14fl oz tin coconut milk
400ml/14 fl oz homemade or ready-made chicken stock
8 lime leaves
1 tbsp nam pla (Thai fish sauce)
1 tbsp bottled green peppercorns, drained
leaves from a large bunch (about 20g/0.7oz) basil, shredded
15g/½oz fresh coriander (leaves and stalks,) roughly chopped

Method
1. For the curry paste, slice the lemongrass finely. Put it in a food processor with all the remaining curry paste ingredients and whiz to a thick paste, pushing the mixture down from time to time with a spatula. Transfer to a glass or china dish, cover tightly (otherwise it will taint everything in the fridge) and refrigerate.
2. For the curry, cut the chicken into finger-thick strips.
3. Warm the oil in a casserole and, when hot and sizzling, add the chicken strips and let them colour slightly on all sides. You will need to do this in batches to avoid crowding the pan.
4. Remove the cooked chicken pieces from the casserole with a slotted spoon. Add the quartered mushrooms to the casserole and fry until golden-brown, adding more oil if needed.
5. Pour in the coconut milk and stock, then add the lime leaves, four heaped tablespoons of the curry paste, the fish sauce, peppercorns and half of the chopped herbs. Bring to the boil, then turn the heat down and simmer for 10 minutes, stirring from time to time.
6. Return the chicken to the casserole with a further tablespoon of the paste and simmer for five to six minutes, or until the chicken is cooked through. Stir in the last of the herbs and serve.

And it was mine.

Next year I shall not be having a birthday.  Every year they get worse and worse and this year I've spent most of the day feeling really low.  I should have gone to work because having the day off turned out to be a pointless exercise.

Had a nice card and some cash from my grandparents and my mum.  Logged into to my emails expecting the usual amazon gift voucher from my dad, but it seems he didn't bother with that this year.  Last night he logged onto World of Warcraft when I was online, and suggested going to the British Museum on Sunday.  I said that would be nice - I love the British Museum, especially the Ancient Greek exhibition, they have a gorgeous statue of Apollo.  But this evening he deigned to phone me, and informed me he could not make it to the museum.  But if I wanted to travel the 2 hours down to his place on sunday he would have a barbecue.  I told him I'll think about it.  But I think I'm watching grass grow that day.

Had a phonecall from my brother which involved a sullen "happy birthday" and the information that he hadn't bought me a present yet.  I told him not to bother.  He didn't argue.

At lunch my mum decided to go to a restaurant with my grandparents after her chiropractor appointment.  When she told me, and said I couldn't go, I thought it was a joke.  It wasn't.  Off they went, for their nice cosy lunch, on my birthday, without me.  I cried a bit, but I don't know why it upset me so much.  When mother returned this evening she asked if I had a good day.  I replied I hadn't.  She asked why and I told her.  She launched into defence mode about how she 'didn't think' to ask me if I wanted to go out for lunch.  I replied that was sort of the point.  She genuinely can't understand why I'm upset.  And when I asked "if it was your birthday, and I went out for lunch with family without you, wouldn't you be upset?" she replied "Yes but you've done things to upset me before."   Well on her birthday I paid to take her and my grandparents out for a meal, I guess she forgot that part though.

I shouldn't be upset, it's such a silly thing.  But I can't help it.

The boyfriend made an effort at least.  2 presents he'd obviously put a lot of thought into, complete with a gift bag and card.  But something doesn't feel right.  There's some distance between us today.  I think I'm just upset and he doesn't know how to handle it so he stays quiet.  We went to Tesco early this afternoon and I spent £20 on ingredients for a meal he wants to cook me.  We got home and he promptly fell asleep.  It's nearly 9pm and he's still asleep and I'm debating whether to make myself some beans on toast. 

Heart palpitations have been few and far between today but have been heavy when they did happen.  Had a lot when I was out walking, when it was very hot.  Mind you I never do well in the heat.

Ah well.  Next year I shall delete 9th May from my calendar, my birthday shall not occur, and thus will be better than this year and the last few years.  Something to look forward to.

Emo V

It's hot and I've had a headache all day.  It's the kind of headache that's radiating from my sinuses which appear to be blocked, and the pain is spreading behind my left eye, around the back of my head, down my neck, and tonight my left shoulder is hurting.  I don't like taking pain killers but I've had 1 paracetamol.  It hasn't helped.  I'm not sure if I'm dehydrated, my sinuses are blocked, or the pain is actually caused by sitting at the pc all day.  Possibly a bit of all.

Had a nice day at work though, even if it was too hot.  My manager and co-worker gave me a birthday card cus I have the day off tomorrow, and when co-worker was out of the room, manager slipped me another card which had a gift voucher in it.  I thought that was really nice and sweet.  Also my ex-co-worker paid an unexpected visit to give me a card, which was also nice.  I kinda realised there are 1 or 2 people in the world that actually like me a bit.  And I called my gran at lunch to see how her operation went yesterday.  It was nothing serious, she has a pin in her arm where she fell and broke it a few years ago, but the pin had come loose and was obviously causing quite a bit of pain, so she had it taken out.  And I couldn't believe how nice she was to me, she seemed genuinely pleased to hear from me.  Really I think even she might like me.  Either that or she's still high from the anesthetic.

Hmm just remembered there was a wasp caught in my net curtains this morning.  I tried to get him out of the window but he was the wrong side of the nets.  I wonder where he is now.  Some guy killed a wasp at work today because one of the girls was screaming about it.  Seriously, with that many windows opened wide, would it have caused him so much trouble just to guide the thing outside?  No, he had to squash it against the window and then had to go get a tissue to  clean it up, probably taking longer.  That kind of behaviour really annoys me.  It's so aggressive and shows a complete disregard for the life of another creature.  But at least he had an opportunity to prove his manliness. 

And I only had a couple of heart palpitations today, and bizarrely they only happened after it occurred to me I was feeling ok today (apart from the headache).  It was like my heart wanted to knock on my chest and remind me I should still be worried about it.  Well I couldn't be bothered really.  I was far too distracted and busy complaining about my headache and the heat. 

V

Blatantly the best program on tv.  The one reality TV show that I can talk to my boss at work about and still feel intelligent.

Tonight was an especially great episode, and finally, that annoying bitchy woman that looked a bit like Jimmy Hill with a wig made from the hair of Bree off Desperate Housewives, has gone, along with the equally annoying/bitchy and slightly strange "Best salesperson in Europe" (she's modest too.  And likes bright yellow blouses and hot pink lip gloss). 

Hurrah!

(PS. Raef to win!)

I today decided to look up ectopic heartbeats on Teh Interwebz.  This is what the doctor told me I have when they did a 24 hour tape of my heart.  A palpitation thingy showed up, and apparently is perfectly normal and caused by an extra heart beat and nothing to worry about.  Also the very slight irregular heartbeat I have (it speeds up when I breathe in and slows again when I breathe out) is normal too.  I had other tests proving I do not have heart disease or cardiomyopathy (which my nan had).  Of course I can never take the word of a professional and thus seek reassurance from anonymous writers on Teh Interwebz.

Anyway, again they say ecoptic heartbeats are normal, nothing to worry about, and only get treated if they cause severe symptoms (which I had that friday I was taken to hospital... although saying that, I did not actually get any treatment, just standard tests, and was told I wasn't having a heart attack so I'm fine.  Of course, for an anxiety sufferer, convinced I'm about to die, just being in a hospital surrounded by life-saving equipment (ignoring the bearded female nurse) is quite a nice treatment).

This is the article I was reading: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001100.htm

This is somewhat more reassuring than the article I read last week, which went something like "Betty was 45 years old.  She was leaving the store, turned around to where her husband should have been, he wasn't there.  She tapped her foot once, her heart skipped a beat, then she dropped down dead.  She had a history of palpitations."   Now, I feel sorry for Betty, I really do, but I think this site (promoting natural remedies) perhaps should have focussed more on the fact that Betty's case was unusual.  Yes it's important to get palpitations checked out if they happen a lot, but Betty probably had some underlying cause of her heart problem.

So, then I thought I would see what that site had to say about anxiety.  And I found an extremely useful article here http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/common/mentalhealth/anxiety/013.printerview.html

Now, most of the actions they suggest, I've heard of but not got round to trying yet, but this one intrigued me

Control your worry. Pick a place and time to do your worrying. Make it the same place and time every day. Spend 30 minutes thinking about your concerns and what you can do about them. Try not to dwell on what "might" happen. Focus more on what's really happening. Then let go of the worry and go on with your day.

Anyway enough of this rant.  Hopefully I can look back on this post next time I get a bit worried about things, and remind myself of what actually is/isn't wrong with me.

In other news, it is TOO HOT!!  And the sun is too bright and makes me squint because I don't like to wear sunglasses for the same reason I don't like to use umbrellas when it rains.  But rain doesn't give me a headache.  The sun (and squinting like a mole rat) does.  Bring back the clouds.

Bah I wrote a nice long blog post and got disconnected from the internet while it was posting so I lost it

Well it's my brother's birthday today, and I bit the bullet and called him.  He was a bit off with me at first but after I explained about my anxiety and how I was worried that my gran might unintentionally exacerbate (ooh... big word... sp?) the situation, he seemed to understand.  We're gonna meet up on Saturday, no idea yet what we're gonna do though.

And it's been so hot today!  And I don't like the heat.  Or the sun.  Well, the sun is nice in the evening, when it's setting, and the birds sing in that special way they only do at the end of a warm day, and there's that special kind of calm in the air.

I had a fairly stressful afternoon, dealing with bailiffs, but my anxiety levels stayed low.  In fact I had more heart palpitations this morning when it was less stressful.  Stress is a distraction I think.  I hate the heart palpitations though.. it feels like 1 or 2 really hard heartbeats, like those cartoons when they fall in love and their heart pops out from their chest...  and then there's a kind of adrenaline rush, a bit like what happens when something makes you jump.  The trick though is to not let it scare me, because if I give in to it I get dizzy, can't breathe, and the palpitations just keep coming.  If I can stay calm they usually just stop.  I just wish I could stop them happening at all.

In other news, I've just eaten a really nice fish pie from Tesco.  It actually had several types of fish in it, rather than that cod/imitation cod/loads-of-sauce-with-tiny-lumps-that-might-be-some-kind-of-fish pies that you normally get from supermarkets.

V

There are so many birthdays in May.  Mine, my brother's, my half-sister's, my step-brother's, and my gran's.  And today, my boyfriend's.  I didn't get him a card but I did buy him a new XBox 360 so I think he's happy with that.  He better be, the amount it cost.  But he deserves it.  He's a proper legend.

Boyfriend's mum is being weird with me today.  Boyfriend reckons she must have overheard me saying something about her, and took it personally.  I don't care really, it's not like I like her anyway.  And she'll soon start being nice to me when she wants me to pay for her to come out for a curry tonight as boyfriend's birthday meal.

No anxiety issues yesterday, although I did have a bit of a strange moment when I was trying to sleep last night.  It was almost like I was sub-consciously fighting sleep, and every time I nearly drifted off I would get this 'zapping' sensation in my brain.  Very strange. 

And I think I've decided to keep my blog here, it does seem like a friendly little community and I've had a couple of nice messages already.  *Wave* to my new blog friends  \o

V

Well I'm in the doghouse with my brother, again, it seems.

Although on the bright side, yesterday was a good day, anxiety-wise, and so far today has been too.  Spending time with my lovely boyfriend is right now the only thing that keeps me sane.

Hi. My name's Vicki, and this is my new blog. It's an attempt to try to understand the workings of my mind.

V