And it was mine.

Next year I shall not be having a birthday.  Every year they get worse and worse and this year I've spent most of the day feeling really low.  I should have gone to work because having the day off turned out to be a pointless exercise.

Had a nice card and some cash from my grandparents and my mum.  Logged into to my emails expecting the usual amazon gift voucher from my dad, but it seems he didn't bother with that this year.  Last night he logged onto World of Warcraft when I was online, and suggested going to the British Museum on Sunday.  I said that would be nice - I love the British Museum, especially the Ancient Greek exhibition, they have a gorgeous statue of Apollo.  But this evening he deigned to phone me, and informed me he could not make it to the museum.  But if I wanted to travel the 2 hours down to his place on sunday he would have a barbecue.  I told him I'll think about it.  But I think I'm watching grass grow that day.

Had a phonecall from my brother which involved a sullen "happy birthday" and the information that he hadn't bought me a present yet.  I told him not to bother.  He didn't argue.

At lunch my mum decided to go to a restaurant with my grandparents after her chiropractor appointment.  When she told me, and said I couldn't go, I thought it was a joke.  It wasn't.  Off they went, for their nice cosy lunch, on my birthday, without me.  I cried a bit, but I don't know why it upset me so much.  When mother returned this evening she asked if I had a good day.  I replied I hadn't.  She asked why and I told her.  She launched into defence mode about how she 'didn't think' to ask me if I wanted to go out for lunch.  I replied that was sort of the point.  She genuinely can't understand why I'm upset.  And when I asked "if it was your birthday, and I went out for lunch with family without you, wouldn't you be upset?" she replied "Yes but you've done things to upset me before."   Well on her birthday I paid to take her and my grandparents out for a meal, I guess she forgot that part though.

I shouldn't be upset, it's such a silly thing.  But I can't help it.

The boyfriend made an effort at least.  2 presents he'd obviously put a lot of thought into, complete with a gift bag and card.  But something doesn't feel right.  There's some distance between us today.  I think I'm just upset and he doesn't know how to handle it so he stays quiet.  We went to Tesco early this afternoon and I spent £20 on ingredients for a meal he wants to cook me.  We got home and he promptly fell asleep.  It's nearly 9pm and he's still asleep and I'm debating whether to make myself some beans on toast. 

Heart palpitations have been few and far between today but have been heavy when they did happen.  Had a lot when I was out walking, when it was very hot.  Mind you I never do well in the heat.

Ah well.  Next year I shall delete 9th May from my calendar, my birthday shall not occur, and thus will be better than this year and the last few years.  Something to look forward to.

Emo V

It's hot and I've had a headache all day.  It's the kind of headache that's radiating from my sinuses which appear to be blocked, and the pain is spreading behind my left eye, around the back of my head, down my neck, and tonight my left shoulder is hurting.  I don't like taking pain killers but I've had 1 paracetamol.  It hasn't helped.  I'm not sure if I'm dehydrated, my sinuses are blocked, or the pain is actually caused by sitting at the pc all day.  Possibly a bit of all.

Had a nice day at work though, even if it was too hot.  My manager and co-worker gave me a birthday card cus I have the day off tomorrow, and when co-worker was out of the room, manager slipped me another card which had a gift voucher in it.  I thought that was really nice and sweet.  Also my ex-co-worker paid an unexpected visit to give me a card, which was also nice.  I kinda realised there are 1 or 2 people in the world that actually like me a bit.  And I called my gran at lunch to see how her operation went yesterday.  It was nothing serious, she has a pin in her arm where she fell and broke it a few years ago, but the pin had come loose and was obviously causing quite a bit of pain, so she had it taken out.  And I couldn't believe how nice she was to me, she seemed genuinely pleased to hear from me.  Really I think even she might like me.  Either that or she's still high from the anesthetic.

Hmm just remembered there was a wasp caught in my net curtains this morning.  I tried to get him out of the window but he was the wrong side of the nets.  I wonder where he is now.  Some guy killed a wasp at work today because one of the girls was screaming about it.  Seriously, with that many windows opened wide, would it have caused him so much trouble just to guide the thing outside?  No, he had to squash it against the window and then had to go get a tissue to  clean it up, probably taking longer.  That kind of behaviour really annoys me.  It's so aggressive and shows a complete disregard for the life of another creature.  But at least he had an opportunity to prove his manliness. 

And I only had a couple of heart palpitations today, and bizarrely they only happened after it occurred to me I was feeling ok today (apart from the headache).  It was like my heart wanted to knock on my chest and remind me I should still be worried about it.  Well I couldn't be bothered really.  I was far too distracted and busy complaining about my headache and the heat. 

V