And it was mine.

Next year I shall not be having a birthday.  Every year they get worse and worse and this year I've spent most of the day feeling really low.  I should have gone to work because having the day off turned out to be a pointless exercise.

Had a nice card and some cash from my grandparents and my mum.  Logged into to my emails expecting the usual amazon gift voucher from my dad, but it seems he didn't bother with that this year.  Last night he logged onto World of Warcraft when I was online, and suggested going to the British Museum on Sunday.  I said that would be nice - I love the British Museum, especially the Ancient Greek exhibition, they have a gorgeous statue of Apollo.  But this evening he deigned to phone me, and informed me he could not make it to the museum.  But if I wanted to travel the 2 hours down to his place on sunday he would have a barbecue.  I told him I'll think about it.  But I think I'm watching grass grow that day.

Had a phonecall from my brother which involved a sullen "happy birthday" and the information that he hadn't bought me a present yet.  I told him not to bother.  He didn't argue.

At lunch my mum decided to go to a restaurant with my grandparents after her chiropractor appointment.  When she told me, and said I couldn't go, I thought it was a joke.  It wasn't.  Off they went, for their nice cosy lunch, on my birthday, without me.  I cried a bit, but I don't know why it upset me so much.  When mother returned this evening she asked if I had a good day.  I replied I hadn't.  She asked why and I told her.  She launched into defence mode about how she 'didn't think' to ask me if I wanted to go out for lunch.  I replied that was sort of the point.  She genuinely can't understand why I'm upset.  And when I asked "if it was your birthday, and I went out for lunch with family without you, wouldn't you be upset?" she replied "Yes but you've done things to upset me before."   Well on her birthday I paid to take her and my grandparents out for a meal, I guess she forgot that part though.

I shouldn't be upset, it's such a silly thing.  But I can't help it.

The boyfriend made an effort at least.  2 presents he'd obviously put a lot of thought into, complete with a gift bag and card.  But something doesn't feel right.  There's some distance between us today.  I think I'm just upset and he doesn't know how to handle it so he stays quiet.  We went to Tesco early this afternoon and I spent £20 on ingredients for a meal he wants to cook me.  We got home and he promptly fell asleep.  It's nearly 9pm and he's still asleep and I'm debating whether to make myself some beans on toast. 

Heart palpitations have been few and far between today but have been heavy when they did happen.  Had a lot when I was out walking, when it was very hot.  Mind you I never do well in the heat.

Ah well.  Next year I shall delete 9th May from my calendar, my birthday shall not occur, and thus will be better than this year and the last few years.  Something to look forward to.

Emo V