I've been so tired today.  I thought I was gonna fall asleep at work.  It's weird because last night I got quite a long sleep, but I did dream a lot (which seemed quite vivid at the time but I can't remember at all now).  In fact the night before I had a strange dream too but I do remember that one... I and all the people from my office were in the army and were in my neighbours back garden, shooting at someone in my house.  I don't particularly remember why, or that any one of us got hurt but there was a general sense of danger and being on edge.

And I got home from work, got upstairs and changed, and all of a sudden this incredible achiness has overcome my body, especially my legs and I have twinges of pain in my back, near my left shoulder.

I actually think all this might be a positive thing though.  I think the last couple of days, I've been feeling good.  Heart palpitations and strange adrenaline rushes have been very minimal.  My mind is more focussed on my job, and my future, and general random thoughts rather than listening to my heartbeats and forcing each breath in the fear that if I didn't, I wouldn't breathe at all.  And the dreams too... all my life I've had very vivid dreams, and quite a lot of them are full of metaphor and symbolism... but just lately, I've not dreamt at all.  I think now my mind's more relaxed when I sleep, it's allowing the dreams to take shape again.

So I think my body has responded by winding down and relaxing.  I'm tired because my body's exhausted from all that worrying and tension and adrenaline surging through it the last few weeks.  And finally I'm allowing it to rest and recover. 

I still have odd moments of irrational fear, but I'm telling myself that I'm ok, that my body will react to my mind and if my mind is ok and the adrenaline levels stay low, I'll be fine.

I found this website http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/ .     It's so good.  It has a symptoms page which explains each and every anxiety symptom in detail, and the physical, scientific reason for them.  I have a logical, scientific mind so this has helped me so much with understanding why I feel a certain way, and telling myself that at the time stops the spiral of panic.

In other news, I have discovered that wearing my boyfriend's boxers and t-shirt is the best on hot evenings like this one.  And also, the secret to making the perfect cup of tea is to put the milk in before the water. 

V