Well I knew it was coming.  I've been fighting it for several days.

But all it took was one relatively small heart palpitation that felt slightly different from my usual ones.

I bravely fought the feelings of numb panic that swept through my bloodstream for about 30 minutes.  I posted on the nomorepanic forums about my new ectopic sensation.  Then I thought I would ask my boyfriend to come round, he always makes me feel better, so I got up to go downstairs and ask my mum if it was ok.

Then BAM.  It struck.  Completely unreasonable, unprovoked terror.  I wept uncontrollably, shaking, my head feeling like it would explode.

My mum looked up from the last Chelsea penalty to see her sobbing wreck of a daughter.  "I don't feel well" I declared before collapsing in a quivering wreck on the settee, curled up like a foetus.

I don't remember my mum coming over to me but suddenly I was in her arms, my head cradled in her bosom, as she tried to coax out of me what was wrong.

"I'm going crazy," I hysterically informed her.

"No, you're not," she told me.  "What exactly are you feeling?"

So I focussed.  I told her about the ectopic beat, but that I wasn't having palpitations at the moment.  She checked my pulse, a little fast, but not exactly racing.

I realised my chest didn't hurt and, when I stopped sobbing, I could actually breathe ok and my chest wasn't particularly tight.  Some comfort and strength I drew from that.

As I began to list off what I did feel, I recognised all the symptoms of anxiety I'd read on websites.

Dry mouth.  Shaking uncontrollably.  unable to focus my vision.  A general sense of loss of control.  Feeling a desperate need to run.  Wanting to self-harm to regain control.

I recognised that my chest sensations were not as bad as that time I went to hospital.  And that time, there'd been nothing wrong, so why would there be now?

"It's not in my heart," I told her.  "It's in my head.  I'm going crazy."

She told me about the panic attacks she used to have.  And how she met a lot of people in hospital going through the same thing as her.  Then we watched Man Utd lift the cup and she told me about the Busby Babes.

Gradually I regained my composure.  Then I came back upstairs to ask the boyfriend to come over, and to write this blog.  I'm still shaking so please forgive any typing errors.  I've had a couple more ecoptic heartbeats but a quick press of the fingers to the jugular, feeling that reassuring regular pulse as the heart resets to its normal rhythm, helps keep the panic at bay.  For now.

V