I really, really should learn to be more dishonest.
I took a day off work the day after the panic attack. I felt I needed to relax and sort my head out. The last thing I wanted was to flip out while at work.
The next day my manager handed me the self-certification form. I thought about it. Should I tell the truth, or say I had a migraine.
I opted for truth.
"Recovering from a panic attack, severe anxiety and heart palpitations." is what I wrote. Brave of me. And stupid.
My manager read it and then gave me a look that I can only describe as disgust.
"So what do you have to do about it now?" he said. "Have more tests?" (his understanding was that, because the tests on my thyroid had come back normal, I should be ok now).
This, by the way, was in the office where about 8 other people were in earshot.
So, with those 8 people in earshot, I had to reply, "I'm just waiting for my therapy to start." And then had to repeat it because he didn't hear me the first time.
And then there was this horrible atmosphere for the rest of the day, whereby he barely spoke to me or looked in my direction. Any questions or asking of favours were directed by name to my colleague where they might otherwise have been general for either one of us to pick up.
I feel gutted. I don't know if he was just pissed cus I had the day off, if he didn't believe me, or if he simply thinks I'm a nutjob.
Other than that, though, things have been ok. I've had a couple of panicky moments in the evening the last 2 days but I've controlled them. But through the whole of the days I've been 'normal'. I haven't even had the bad thoughts. Very few palpitations, and those have only been after I've thought about it and realised I didn't have any yet. I even managed a hysterical laughing fit without feeling I was gonna lose control and have a heart attack or respiratory arrest. It was nice.
I suppose I'll find out on Tuesday if my manager still thinks I'm a freak. Oddly though my boss was a bit more 'ok' about it. Well, he came up to me and asked if I'm ok now. His frown was at least more one of concern than disgust. I did have quite a long chat with him once, and he seemed surprisingly understanding of how some people can let things get to them more than others. His main issue was that I should be upfront about it, which is why I decided to tell the truth on my certification form. I'm just a bit upset and confused about my manager's reaction.
Ho hum. Onwards and upwards.
V
2008-05-26 @ 11:09