Last week I was given a homework assignment by my therapist.  Since one of the things that affects me most on a daily basis is my preoccupation with, and fear of, death, she asked me to write down every time I think about it.  I'm supposed to write down the situation I was in when I thought it, how long the thoughts lasted and what, exactly, I was thinking, and then rate my feelings of anxiety on  a scale from 1-100%.

of course, ironically, these thoughts that have plagued me for months, have decided to disappear now.

So now I'm wondering.  Do I lie, and write down some stuff based on thoughts I've had before?  So not exactly lying, but pretending that they happened this week.  Or should I just tell her that actually I didn't have any of those thoughts.

It's a tough one.  Thing is, now I finally have this therapy, I really want to sort these issues out.  And I know if I go tomorrow with nothing to tell her, she can't help me.

It sounds silly but I do get these random thoughts of death.  It's like, I suddenly realise that I am going to die, it's inevitable, and I have no say over it.  One day I will fall asleep, and never wake up.  I imagine being dead, and it's like, how can you imagine being asleep forever?  And then I think, well it will be like it was before I was born.  Millions of years went by without me and I knew nothing about it.  But I don't want to go back to not existing.  How can anyone know that they are going to die, one day, and not be scared about it?  Every time I get these thoughts, I get panicky.  I get a numb tingling over my body, my heart pounds and I slip into a state of unreality, like I'm dreaming.  It's like my body's responding to my thoughts and going "Death?  Not on my watch!" and launching into full fight-or-flight mode.

Ugh.  Even by my standards, this is a fairly depressing post so I'm going to sod off and finish watching the football.   And then do my homework.

V